Friday, June 1, 2007

first world grievance

by Paul Madonna

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Grievance corner! I'm your host and today's topic is: Food and restaurants.

First off, I'd like to say that mushrooms are not a vegetable. If I order a vegetable anything, it should not come loaded with fungus.

Second, condiments are not givens. If I order a sandwich, specifying lettuce or not, tomatoes or not, onions or not, etcetera, if I choose my bread, meat and cheese, and then you slather mayo all over it, you have made an assumption. An assumption that lives up to the worst that the word implies. Mayonnaise is not a basic element. It is not the soup of life. Without it we can all survive fine, and possibly stay that much trimmer. Same with ketchup or mustard. So leave it off unless someone asks for it.

Third, ice in water. This is 2007. Ice is no longer a luxury item. Serving it in my water does not make your restaurant modern. Especially in San Francisco where days with temperatures high enough to warrant ice in water are so few that if you truly wanted to be modern, every beverage should be served room temperature or warm. If I've walked in out of the grey blustery fog, I do not want a cup of cold ice water.

Fourth is raisins. I get that some people like to suck the juice out of fruits and serve them as food, but raisins aren't for me. No problem, let the world eat raisins, just don't toss it in with everything I order. Wow, you say, is that apple pie? Yes. Wow, sure looks good, give me a slice. Then you sit down and yes, it's apple pie, but it's not just apple pie, it's apple and raisin pie. Where did these come from? Why did you not mention the raisins? If you put cherries in with the apples, you would call it apple cherry pie. You have to make a decision, either the shriveled turd of a grape is still a fruit or it's not, but either way, it's a solid ingredient, and you have to list it. Take cinnamon buns. Raisins are an addition. Even cinnamon, as a spice, gets noted, if it didn't, it's just a bun. Even a honey bun and a regular sweet bun are noted. It's not like someone will pick up a regular sweet bun, take a bite and say, oh! this is a honey sweetened bun, not just a regular sugar sweetened bun, this isn't what I ordered! So why would you just toss raisins in and not say a word?

All these are the worst of the rider-bill foods. And like your sister's husband that everyone secretly wishes would just disappear, we've all learned to tolerate them. All I ask is that we consider the situation at hand and stop taking these sneaky, elected-for-life nonessential food items for granted. We need to draw a line. Things like coffee are supposed to be hot, unless you ask for it cold and with ice, and if that's what you want, they have a different name to order it by: ice coffee. Pizza. Pizza tends to have red sauce and cheese, unless specified. These things are built into the actual item. Pizza that comes without red sauce and cheese unless you ask, is not pizza, it's bread. The sauce is not a condiment. So, if I order a ham and cheese sandwich with nothing else on it, and you put on raisins or mayo, who is the one being unreasonable?

Ok, ladies and gentlemen, that's all the time we have today for Grievance Corner. Join us next time when our topic is 'Doting mothers who think their 3 year old can make a decision about whether they should first go pick up the dry cleaning or get the car washed.'


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