Publisher Rejection Letters From Plato to Hitler

Andy Ross is a literary agent. Prior to starting his agency, he was owner of Cody's Books in Berkeley for 30 years.

When I became a literary agent three years ago, I simply wasn't ready for the flood of publisher rejection letters flowing into my office in response to my submissions. It felt a little like my social life in high school. I can only imagine the shame and humiliation that my clients must experience from these letters. Four years of work on a novel reduced to a single line, a formula really: "I just didn't fall in love with it." Or: "We all felt it didn't quite have the right narrative arc." I decided to engage in a mental exercise of employing the standard rejection templates as they might have been used for some of the great (or notorious) classics of Western Civilization.



Plato's Republic


Andy,


Thank you so much for submitting The Republic by Plato. Certainly this book has much to commend it. It asks some serious questions and it doesn't get bogged down in "jargon" like some of the philosophy books we see coming over the transom. That said, I am going to have to pass on this book. I'm not sure that the author has anything really new to say about the themes he discusses. The Good, the True, the Beautiful, and the Just have been written about ad nauseum since the time of the ancient Greeks. There is really no new way to slice and dice this material. And although Mr. Plato seems quite adept at dialogue, I question how he would hold up in the face of tough questioning by the likes of Bill O'Reilly.



The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann


Andy,


I don't quite know what to make of this book. Six hundred pages of narrative about people in a tuberculosis sanitarium on top of a mountain -- and for twenty years? Really! I'm afraid that modern American readers need a little more action and excitement in their lives. They don't want to come home and read about the over-ripe decadence of Central European culture in the early twentieth century. I certainly don't mean to sound snarky, but in my humble opinion (and I have been known to be wrong before), Herr Mann is nothing but a gas bag.



Oedipus Rex by Sophocles


Andy,


Thank you for your submission of Mr. Sophocles' drama, Oedipus Rex. Sophocles is an exceptional dramatist with many fine works to his credit that have been both critical and commercial successes. And we feel privileged that you gave us the chance to consider this work. That said, I'm afraid we are not going to publish this book. Although I am a personal admirer of Mr. Sophocles, I feel that Oedipus is a minor work and, quite frankly, a little derivative. Particularly of some of the works of Freud. The implicit theme, the idea that "from wisdom comes suffering," has become a little hackneyed and a little frayed at the edges, as it were. I think that after seeing James Cameron's Avatar, there really isn't much left to say on this subject. But we would be delighted to look at anything newer and fresher that Mr. Sophocles might create in the future.



Ulysses by James Joyce


Andy,


I'm sorry. I just don't get it.








Macbeth by William Shakespeare



Andy,


Thank you for sending us Macbeth by William Shakespeare. Mr. Shakespeare certainly brings a fresh voice to the modern theatre and has a commendable mastery of plot and character. That said, I am not going to make an offer on this book. I think that Mr. Shakespeare has a certain inelegance of style and his language skills could use some refining. I also noticed a number of careless misspellings in this work. The extensive "scholarly" footnoting with its endless references to "folios" and "quartos" was annoying and distracting.


I feel compelled to say, and I hope neither you nor your client take offense at this, that some of his "speeches" are just plain pretentious and not suited to the more casual sensibilities of our upscale readers. For instance: Macbeth says: "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Don't you think this could be stated more clearly and succinctly? How about: "Life is pretty confusing. Sometimes I just want to shake my head and cry." Furthermore, I could not help but note an obvious unattributed locution from William Faulkner. Your author should try to be more careful.


War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Andy,


Thank you for your submission of Count Tolstoy's War and Peace. I found it to be a very well researched and polished novel. And I can certainly see how it would appeal to the same readers who enjoy the works of Herman Wouk and Leon Uris. But I am afraid that I won't be making an offer. As you know, our imprint is always looking for quality genre fiction. And certainly War and Peace falls squarely within the conventions of the historical novel. But, just between you and me, this manuscript just isn't ready for prime time. For starters, it is a real door-stopper. 1500 pages plus change! I think the author needs to face the facts that he could do with some judicious freelance editing. Our readers lead busy lives and are looking for a more, shall I say, intimate reading experience. If the author could cut the plot by, say, 900 pages; if, for example, he could take out the sub-plot of the Napoleonic invasion of Russia, we would be happy to review this submission again.


Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain




Andy,


I am a big fan of Mr. Twain's work. In fact, his novel, Huckleberry Finn, was one of the best books I read last season. So I approached your submission with considerable excitement. I'm sorry to say that I was not thrilled with Tom Sawyer. Compared to Mr. Twain's other works, I felt that this was merely a bagatelle and perhaps a little (shall we say) jejune. Still I sent it around for some more reads and I took it to the editorial meeting. The sales director pointed out that all of Twain's novels since Huckleberry Finn have shown steadily declining sales numbers. He felt, and the committee agreed, that it was unlikely that the chains would take a position on this book. But I encourage you to show us any new projects the author might develop in the future.


Mein Kampf by Adolph Hitler

Andy,

I have to tell you that this one came pretty close. Personally, I loved this book. I took it to the editorial board. We almost had consensus. But the committee reluctantly decided to pass. There was much to admire in this book. We were impressed by the author's passion, his strong sense of purpose, and his robust voice. Some of us were moved to tears by the Youtube clips from the Nürnberg Parteitag rallys. Herr Hitler's platform is most impressive, indeed. One of the editors said, only half jokingly, that it was too bad we couldn't bottle Herr Hitler's charisma and give it to some of our more pedestrian authors. And our marketing director was inspired by the book proposal that offered so many innovative marketing strategies. The concept of summarily executing any citizen who didn't purchase this book was refreshing and indicates that your client is a very savvy marketer.



At the end of the day though, there was no agreement on how we could position this book in the marketplace. Some of us wanted to treat it as a kind of how-to book for people who were seeking to improve their public speaking and, at the same time, pick up some useful tips for world conquest. Others felt that the ideas were just a little too "weighty" for a trade house like ours. After some brain storming about possible merchandise spin-offs, we decided that we were the wrong home for this remarkable book.


We wish Herr Hitler the best of luck in his career as a writer and as a public figure and expect to see great things from him in the future.



If you want to read more about my opinions and experiences, visit my blog

Andy Ross Writes About Anne Lamott (and Albert Camus) on Writing

by Andy Ross

A few months ago I finally got around to reading Anne Lamott's remarkable book about the process of writing, Bird By Bird. What a revelation!. I don't know why I have never read it before. It was written in 1995. I must have sold 5000 copies at Cody's over the years. I know a lot of writers who have said that this book changed their life.

I suppose the reason I never read it is that I just didn't think very deeply about the process of writing during my 35 years in retail. I read a lot and knew a lot about what was going on in the book business. But by the time a book arrived at the store, the writing was over and the selling was about to begin.

So now I'm an agent at the other end of the publishing food chain. I'm not exactly the midwife to the book; more like the Lamaze teacher. I see a lot of "shitty first drafts." That is Anne Lamott's luminous term of art. More on that later. Now a lot of my work has to do with the process of writing.

Anyway, back to Anne Lamott. Bird By Bird. It is at times hysterically funny, wise, tough-minded but always encouraging. She is secure enough as a writer to share with you her own experiences of her all-too-human insecurities about life in general and writing in particular.

Look at her 3rd chapter entitled: "Shitty First Drafts." When I see these by writers in the course of my work (which is all the time), I want to give up on the author. Sometimes I want to give up on being an agent. Lamott says that these "shitty first drafts" are an inherent part of the writing process, even a necessary part, even an admirable part. It allows the writer to get the material, shitty though it may be, onto the page. And the work of the accomplished author is finding the one sentence in the two shitty pages sitting in front of her that she will want to remember and use.

Lamott had a wonderful chapter on writing dialogue. I read it at about three o'clock in the morning and emailed my client immediately about some changes that needed to be made in her book proposal. You can't just write down a conversation between two people. You have to make sure that the voices of the characters are differentiated in the dialogue. You can't just use dialogue to further the plot. It also has to deepen the character. Otherwise it becomes flat and confusing. But this makes writing dialogue devilishly hard.

One of the most amusing, but spot-on, chapters is about thoughts that get in the way of your writing. She calls it tuning into radio station KFKD, or K-Fucked. She says: "station KFKD will play in your head twenty-four hours a day, nonstop, in stereo. Out of the right speaker…will come the endless stream of self-aggrandizement…Out of the left speaker will be the rap songs of self-loathing." (God, I'm feeling that right now, just writing this blog).

She also has a lot to say about getting published. This was especially poignant for me, since my job is actually to get my clients published. Lamott said something very wise. She said: "Writing can give you what having a baby can give you: it can get you to start paying attention, can help you soften, can wake you up. But publishing won't do any of those things…."

I think about this in my own work as an agent. I go to a lot of writers' conferences. I talk to a lot of writers at these. They send me their book proposals and writing samples. Then we have a meeting about it that lasts for 15-30 minutes. I also participate in a lot of agents' panels. And I have started giving some workshops on writing book proposals, most of them here at Book Passage. (Don't tell anyone, but I will let you in on a dirty little secret . Three years ago, when I was still a bookseller, I didn't know what a book proposal was).

I found a couple of clients at these conferences. One of them just got a publishing contract. But mostly I talk to people who are not going to get published. A lot of them have written personal memoirs, a genre much out of fashion with publishers right now. They call them "me-moirs". 'Nuff said.

The writers at the conferences have poured their hearts and souls into these projects. And I have no doubt that they have learned so much about themselves and the world in the process. Anne Lamott tells these writers that this is the real value of writing. Publication is overrated.
Frequently I get graded by the participants after I give a workshop or presentation. Although I try to be realistic and emphasize the dismal reality of getting published, I take a lot of criticism for being unnecessarily discouraging to writers. After reading Anne Lamott, I think I would have to accept this criticism as valid.

When you really think about it, everyone's life is a hero's journey. Every memoir of a life is an epic. And paradoxically every person's life is larger than life. But this is quite different from the mundane and commercial considerations that publishers consider in their decision to acquire a book.

What I have started telling writers, what I would like them to hear from me, and what Anne Lamott has said so much better than I ever could, is that writing is an incredibly courageous undertaking. It is like a journey that begins in the dark without any real knowledge of where it is destined to end. Or to use another metaphor of a race. Sometimes you will cross the finish line, receive the silver jug and go off into the sunset. But more often you will slip on a banana peel and break your leg 20 yards before the end of the race. But what an adventure it has been!

Which brings us to Camus. Camus wrote his masterpiece, The Myth of Sisyphus. in 1942. A lot of you probably read it in your freshman humanities course. Camus always took on the big themes, in this case, the meaning of life. Sisyphus is condemned by the gods for all eternity to roll a boulder up a mountain, whence it will then roll down of its own weight. For Camus this was a metaphor of human life, a ceaseless striving in a universe without meaning.

It strikes me that this is also a metaphor for the work of the writer. For Camus, Sisyphus's effort is heroic and filled with grandeur. In the final, unforgettable lines of his book, Camus says: "Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night-filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."