Desire needs space

by Esther Perel

I tell people that love flourishes in an atmosphere of mutuality and reciprocity but that desire needs space to thrive. This concept of space is often hard to grasp, and so I turn to example.

“Tell me,” I say, “tell me about a moment when you find yourself particularly drawn to your partner.”

Cultivating playfulness

by Esther Perel

So how do we begin to better ourselves in the language of sex? First of all, stop thinking you're trying to improve "sex"--it's a limiting definition, too enmeshed in mechanics, necessity and numbers. Think about improving your relationship with eroticism; if that's too big a leap, think play.

Defined in part by the fact that it serves no purpose, play is amusement that is carefree and unabashed. Our facility for play is inherent, but as we age, it is increasingly elusive. When I talk about the importance of playfulness in the erotic, Americans often have a lot of questions about what I "really mean" by playfulness. They want instruction on how to do something that is best cultivated in autonomy and imagination.

We are a society that is all about directness: we want the point, and we want it now. We don't have time to be spontaneous. We don't have room in our jam-packed, over-booked, chock-a-block schedules for such luxuries as ambiguity, mystery and wonder. We want our eroticism neatly packaged and Fed-Exed. And it is in how we want that we manage to deny ourselves what we want.

Body Language

by Esther Perel

It’s been over a year since my book, Mating in Captivity hit the stands. Fourteen months, and 21 translations later, a few ideas have been the focus of many commentaries.

“Perel says: Talking is bad” said one reviewer. No, of course talking is crucial, but while we speak words, we also speak the language of the body.

More than a metaphor

by Esther Perel

In the time leading up to the completion of my book, I began to take notes of everything in my work that had some relevance to the topic of sexuality. I read voraciously in the field of sexology, sexual health, couples therapy, anthropology. The literature in sexology was concerned more with sexual functioning than sexual feeling and the field had veered towards the medicalization of sexuality. Couples' therapy literature had little to say about sexuality. Both fields had little to say about the erotic. I'm often struck by the fact that clinical talk about sex often yields an enormous panorama of pathologies, and rarely (if ever) makes mention of pleasure or eroticism.

There are numerous ideas circulating as much in professional circles as in women's magazines. One of these is the idea that sexual problems are the result of relationship problems--namely, lack of communication. Find out about the state of the union first; see how it manifests in the bedroom second. The premise is that if sexual problems are the consequence of the relationship, fix the relationship and the sex will follow.

Sex is not a metaphor for a relationship, it's a parallel narrative. It speaks its own language. Love and desire are two different languages. We would like to think that they flow from each other. While love and desire relate, they also conflict. Love thrives in an atmosphere of reciprocity, harmony, and congruence. Desire is more selfish. In fact, at times, the very elements that nurture love: comfort, stability, safety, for example, can extinguish desire.

In my experience, I'd helped many couples improve their relationship--they felt closer, laughed together, they communicated more. But this did nothing for the bedroom. Emotional fulfillment does not necessarily translate to sexual excitement. My work with couples is to illicit strivings, longing, and novelty--to make interesting what is sufficiently available

Rather than ask how often do you do it, find out what does sex mean to you. What are the needs and expectations that you bring to the sexual encounter? Our deepest wishes, our persistent needs, our vulnerabilities are expressed in sex. Sexuality expresses truths about ourselves that are hard to get at otherwise; it reveals us at our most bare.

Beginnings

by Esther Perel

The thoughts behind my book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence were inspired by my work as a couples therapist in New York City. For more than 20 years, I've met with couples holding passports from all over the world, practiced in six different languages, and witnessed countless "presenting issues". While the diversity in the couples I work with is infinite, one complaint rings true across all cultures: couples claim to love each other as much as ever, but their sex lives have become dull and devoid of eroticism.

Why is it that great sex so often fades for couples who claim to love each other as much as ever? Why are we so willing to accept (and hang on to) the idea that passion fades, and that it's only there in the beginning? Why do we continue to view sex as a metaphor for the relationship instead of exploring it as a parallel narrative?

In writing this book, I set out to probe the nature of erotic desire in long-term and committed relationships. I wanted to look at the obstacles and anxieties we experience when our quest for secure love clashes with our pursuit of passion.

Over the next few days, I will share what I've learned. But not all at once--patience, grasshopper. A little mystery and intrigue will be good for you.

Esther